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Joshua Center
on Child Sexual Abuse Prevention
Talking to Youth about Child Sexual Abuse

Efforts to prevent child sexual abuse are most effective when adults are doing their part to understand and address the issue. Child sexual abuse (CSA) is any forced, coerced, or manipulated sexual behavior or any sexual behavior involving a person below the legal age of consent or sexual behavior between a young person and a person several years older where the difference in age makes true consent unlikely.

Adults -- especially parents and caregivers -- play an important role in cultivating open communication with children that can help prevent abuse from occurring. These relationships can also be a source of support for children if they need to disclose abuse. Clear communication is critical to effective prevention, including talking to children about boundaries and appropriate behavior.

Clear communication is critical to effective prevention.

In this section, we will cover:

Talking to Children under 13 about Sexual Abuse

Having conversations that empower children with knowledge of their own bodies, teach awareness of interpersonal boundaries, and facilitate healthy emotional development is key to protecting children from abuse. Starting these conversations early and keeping lines of communication open also lays a foundation for deeper connection and more specific dialogue about the risk of sexual abuse as the child gets older. It is important to talk with children about their bodies, touching, and consent from an early age to normalize these topics.

It is important to talk with children about their bodies, touching, and consent from an early age.

Learning about these concepts can prepare children to better identify possible grooming or abuse behaviors and move to protect themselves, such as by alerting an adult. Remember that young children may not know about things that may seem obvious to adults.

To support children’s awareness and understanding of their bodies, boundaries, and sexual abuse behavior, adults can engage children in conversations about the following topics:

Body parts, functioning, and awareness

  • Teach children the proper names for their body parts
  • Offer accurate answers to questions children ask about the body and bodily functions, even if your answers are simple
  • Explain that some body parts are private, which means that other people should not touch them. Use specific examples involving people in their lives (“It is not okay for a youth group leader to touch your private parts, or to ask you to touch his”) 
  • Support healthy emotional development by encouraging youth to identify and share their emotions 
  • Religious and cultural values vary about sexual behavior but it is important to recognize that talking about body parts and boundaries is not the same thing as talking about sexual behavior  

Safe and unsafe touching

  • Decide as a family what you want to call inappropriate touching behavior. Some families prefer to talk about good touches and bad touches while others may refer to safe or unsafe touch.
Some families prefer to talk about good touches and bad touches while others may refer to safe or unsafe touch.
  • Bad or unsafe touches are touching any private part of the body (give examples using proper names for body parts). Private parts of the body are those which a bathing suit covers. Families may also like to talk about safe touches such as handshakes or hugs
  • Help children understand that no one except a parent or adult approved by a parent (such as a doctor) should ever touch a private part of the child’s body

Body ownership and guidelines about sexual behavior

  • Make sure your child knows that they have full ownership or control over their own body
  • Help the child understand and be able to verbalize their feelings about touches or experiences that feel weird, uncomfortable, or upsetting
  • Teach children it is okay to say “no” when they do not want to play or be hugged, kissed, or tickled. They can also say “no” to unwanted or uncomfortable touches or experiences, even if the other person is someone they love or are familiar with 
  • Model healthy boundaries by giving age appropriate respect for children’s privacy in bathing, dressing, sleeping, and other personal activities whenever possible 
  • Always give children options for ways to physically express affection, such as high fives or fist bumps in addition to hugs
  • Understand age appropriate sexual development and typical sexual behavior (see Understanding Youth Sexual Behavior)
  • Tell children explicitly and often that it is not acceptable for adults or older youth to behave in a sexual way with them, such as using sexual language or engaging in sexual behavior (like making a game of touching genitals). Even if the touching feels good, it can still be abuse 

Secrets and telling about uncomfortable experiences

  • Make sure children know the difference between surprises and secrets. Surprises are fun secrets that are kept for a short time (such as a birthday present), while secrets about touching or uncomfortable experiences can be used to conceal harmful behavior
  • Teach your child that some people may want them to keep secrets about touching of private parts. They should never keep these secrets even if they are scared to tell
  • Teach your child that telling you about touching is important, and that they will not be punished for telling you if someone has touched them in an unsafe way or touched a private part of their body 
  • Ensure your child knows that they should always tell you or another trusted adult if they have any uncomfortable experiences with other children or adults. A trusted adult is someone the child and family have known for a long time and who has never touched a private part of their body
  • Help children to identify the trusted adults in their life who they can talk to about experiences that are confusing or distressing

For more information on preventing the sexual abuse of young children, see:

  • A Safer Family. A Safer World (PDF) - Addresses how to approach conversations about healthy sexuality, consent, boundaries, and touching; how to challenge society's messages; and how to watch for signs of abusers and respond if a child has been sexually abused. 

Talking to Teenagers about Sexual Abuse/Assault

As teenagers continue to develop emotionally and physically, it’s important to be present and engage them in conversation about their lives. Adolescence is a time when children start to understand their sexual identity and what sexual behavior is. Adults can support sexual development and help teenagers approach both the changes in their bodies and their increasing sense of sexuality in healthy ways.

Adults can support sexual development and help teenagers approach both the changes in their bodies and their increasing sense of sexuality in healthy ways.

To continue conversations on sexual abuse, adults can: 

Reinforce understanding of body boundaries

  • Remind the teenager that a “no” always means no, and it is always okay to say no to other people when they feel uncomfortable, even if they’re worried about upsetting that person. Likewise, they must listen when other people tell them “no” and respect other people’s boundaries 
  • Help youth understand what personal boundaries are and encourage them to think about their own and the boundaries of others. For more information for youth on how to ensure they are respectful of others’ boundaries, see How do I ensure I am not being sexually abusive?    
  • Help youth understand that they can agree to one type of behavior and then change their mind about engaging in that behavior again.

Invite conversations about sexuality and abuse

  • Demonstrate interest and support around the teenager’s sexual experiences without forcing them to respond to questions. If you don’t get a response the first time around, don’t be afraid to bring up the topic again. Showing your concern is important 
  • Use instances of sexual abuse and violence in the media (tv shows, films, news, songs, etc.) to open conversations on the topic with the teen. Share your thoughts and ask them what they think 
  • Remember the teenager is probably as embarrassed as you are to talk about sexual abuse and sex more generally, so move slowly but deliberately in normalizing these conversations

Support youth in making informed decisions about sexual behavior

  • Recognize that young people are more sexual than most parents want to believe, and understand what sexual behaviors are common among youth (see Common Sexual Behavior in Youth)
  • Understand what sexual behaviors are problematic versus developmentally normal in youth (see Problematic Sexual Behavior in Youth)
  • Help your teen understand the age of consent in your state (usually between 14 and 16) and that sexual behavior without consent is illegal in every state; help youth understand that sex with adults in positions of authority like teachers, coaches, pastors is against the law but more importantly can cause harm in the future
  • Ensure the teenager is aware of safer sex practices so they can make informed decisions about their bodies and sexual health 
  • Encourage teenagers to be aware of their own sexual boundaries and how to communicate these to dating or sexual partners. If these boundaries are not respected, or if their safety is in question, they should speak up and exit the situation 
  • Encourage teenagers to ask their dating partners about their sexual boundaries, to respect these boundaries, and to understand verbal and mutual consent should precede any sexual behavior
  • Help your child understand that there are different familial, religious, and cultural beliefs about sexual behavior, and that they should respect their dating partners’ beliefs

For more  information on teen sexual assault, see:

Prevention + Safety + Empowerment + Research