Skip to main content
Joshua Center
on Child Sexual Abuse Prevention
How can I talk about sex and consent?

Talking about sex

Sex takes many forms and can consist of a wide range of different behaviors, from touching or kissing to oral, vaginal, or anal penetration. 

Most young people think about and are curious about sex. Yet navigating conversations around bodies, desires, boundaries, consent, and sex can be among the most difficult aspects of getting older.

Navigating conversations around bodies, desires, boundaries, consent, and sex can be among the most difficult aspects of getting older.

Talking about sex often makes youth feel awkward or uncomfortable. Some will make jokes about it, or will talk about it without really understanding what they are talking about. 

As youth mature, sex can become a part of life that is normal but one that inherently comes with a certain amount of risk (see What Increases My Risk of Being Abused?). To help protect oneself and one’s partners from sexual abuse, it is important to be able to talk openly, honestly, and directly about sex, boundaries, and consent.

It is important to be able to talk openly, honestly, and directly about sex, boundaries, and consent.

Loveisrespect, an organization that seeks to end sexual abuse and promote informed consent, describes how to have healthier communication about sex and relationships: 

  • Find the Right Time. If something is bothering you and you would like to have a conversation about it, it can be helpful to find the right time to talk. Try to find a time when both you and your partner are calm and not distracted, stressed or in a rush. You might even consider scheduling a time to talk if one or both of you is really busy!
  • Talk Face to Face. Avoid talking about serious matters or issues in writing. Text messages, letters and emails can be misinterpreted. Talk in person so there aren’t any unnecessary miscommunications. If you’re having trouble collecting your thoughts, consider writing them down ahead of time and reading them out loud to your partner.
  • Do Not Attack. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choice. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which will make your partner defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” For example, say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant with me.”
  • Be Honest. Agree to be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s the key to a healthy relationship. Admit that you aren’t always perfect and apologize when you make a mistake instead of making excuses. You will feel better and it will help strengthen your relationship.
  • Check Your Body Language. Let your partner know you’re really listening by giving them your full attention: sit up, face them and make eye contact when speaking. Don’t take a phone call, text or play a video game when you’re talking. Show your partner you respect them by listening and responding.
  • Use the 48 Hour Rule. If your partner does something that makes you angry, you need to tell them about it. But you don’t have to do so right away. If you’re still hurt 48 hours later, say something. If not, consider forgetting about it. But remember your partner can’t read your mind. If you don’t speak up when you’re upset, there is no way for them to apologize or change. Once you do mention your hurt feelings and your partner sincerely apologies, let it go. Don’t bring up past issues if they’re not relevant.

Talking about consent 

Consent means that all parties agree to engage in a particular sexual act willingly, that they understand what they are agreeing to, and that they agree and act while fully sober and aware.1 Consent can always be withdrawn or you can change your mind. Sexual behavior that is consensual is the opposite of grooming or using force, manipulation, or coercion to be sexual with another person. To ensure that consent is ongoing, it is important to ask for consent both before and while being sexual.

It is important to ask for consent both before and while being sexual.

A request to be sexual from one person to another should be specific and explicit (such as verbally, through sign language, or another explicitly understood form of communication). Doing something to another person without an explicit request to do so can be abusive. 

Maintaining consent is an ongoing process. Someone who consented to one sexual behavior may change their mind and wish to stop, or may not want to engage in another sexual behavior beyond what they already consented to. Talking about consent and boundaries explicitly and continuously helps ensure that each person’s boundaries are respected and not violated.

What is Consent?2 

  1. Specifically and explicitly asking for permission to proceed with a behavior
  2. Receiving a specific and explicit “Yes” to proceed with the behavior
  3. While being with a person, periodically asking if it is okay to keep going, if the person is comfortable with what is going on, “do you want to stop now or keep going?,” etc. 

Consent is Not2  

  • Silence. A person who says nothing is not saying “yes”
  • Incapacitation. A person who is unable to say no or is impaired such as from drinking or drugging is not saying “yes”
  • Ambivalence. When asked, consent is not saying something like “I don’t care.” Say “yes” or “no.”
  • Compounding. Doing one thing like flirting, holding hands, or kissing is not saying “yes” to any other behavior. 
  • Assumed. Flirting or dressing in a sexy way is not saying “yes”

Talking about sex and asking for consent before and during sex can avoid more than just sexual abuse. Having healthy communication and maintaining mutual, informed consent may also prevent losing a friendship or other relationship, and the pain of getting a reputation as someone who abuses or hurts others.

Prevention + Safety + Empowerment + Research