How do I ensure I am not being sexually abusive? | Joshua Center on Child Sexual Abuse

Establish mutual consent before and during sex

Sexual behavior that occurs between people who each give affirmative and informed consent is not sexually abusive. Therefore it is essential that you understand what consent is, so that you can ensure you are not being sexually abusive toward someone else. Everyone has a responsibility to help establish and maintain a consent culture, in which people respect each other’s right to decide their own boundaries as well as their autonomy (control) over their own body.

Everyone has a responsibility to help establish and maintain a consent culture.

Always obtaining explicit consent prior to and during sexual activity with a partner ensures that you are not being sexually abusive, and helps uphold consent culture. For more information on how to communicate about consent with a partner, see Talking about consent.

Pressuring a person by threatening what will happen if they don’t engage in sexual activity with you (for example, “I won’t be your friend anymore” or “I will tell a lie about you”) is coercion. Forcing or manipulating a person to do something sexual is sexual abuse.

Forcing or manipulating a person to do something sexual is sexual abuse.

Afterward, talk about how the sexual experience felt

Just as it is important to communicate with a partner before and during any sexual activity to maintain consent, you should check in with each other afterward to understand how that experience felt. Perhaps something occurred that was not sexually abusive, but was still uncomfortable for your partner. Sometimes it is hard to communicate one’s feelings while engaging in sex. Someone might better understand how they feel after the sex is over.

Talking with each other about how you felt during a sexual experience can help you better understand each other’s boundaries, needs, and level of comfort. This can help you maintain affirmative and informed consent in future sexual activity.

Be aware of and act to correct the harmful effects of using pornography

It’s common for youth to develop an interest in pornography as they sexually develop. 93% of boys and 62% of girls see online pornography during adolescence.1 The reality is that pornography is exciting and arousing, and can also be addictive. It is important to understand that research has shown pornography has harmful effects related to sexual violence.

Pornography has harmful effects related to sexual violence.

Pornography use may increase the chances that you will:

Be more likely to develop sexually violent attitudes and beliefs (if you are male), especially those that condone violence against women.2 Examples include:
- “When a person is turned on (aroused) it is okay for them to have sex with another person even if that person does not want to”
- “A person who dresses in a sexy way is asking for sex”
- “People secretly want to be forced or tricked into having sex”
- “If a person is making out or letting another person touch their body they really want to go all the way”
- “A person who says ‘No’ or ‘Stop’ does not really mean it”
Be less likely to intervene to protect someone from sexual violence (if you are male)3
Be more likely to engage in sexually violent behaviors against others (if the pornography viewed is violent),4 5 although some researchers have found that evidence for this is not conclusive6

Pornography can be hard to define as people hold different views about what pornography is. While not all individuals and groups will agree on how to define pornography, most people can recognize what could be called “hard-core pornography.” Hard-core pornography (HCP) is the explicit portrayal of sexual organs or sexual behavior with the sole intent of causing sexual arousal. HCP exists in different media such as videos, photographs, or written text.

A common and popular form of hard-core pornography is online video pornography, which often depicts the following elements:

Sexual behavior that is explicit and graphic
Sexual behavior that involves violence, pain, degradation, and/or coercion, with the performers appearing to enjoy these behaviors
Sexual behavior within taboo relationships, including between siblings; youth and fathers, stepfathers, or grandfathers; professionals and youth clients; and others

We don’t know if there is a truly safe way to view pornography, but youth who do view it can resist its negative effects with several actions:

Tell yourself that sex is not about forcing someone to do something or about inflicting pain
Tell yourself that that the sex depicted in pornography is not typically what people want to do or have done to them
Tell yourself that porn conditions you to have attitudes that support sexual assault and violence against women (even if you don’t realize that it is doing so)
Repeat statements that correct the negative attitudes that HCP teaches

Attitudes to correct the harmful effects of pornography use include:

The only way to know if a person wants sex is to specifically ask them
A person who starts to be sexual can decide to stop at any time
No really does mean NO!
No one asks for sex by the way they dress or the locations they visit
Being turned on does not give you the right to be sexual with someone else
No one has a secret desire to be raped or non-consensually coerced or hurt while being sexual
What you do sexually with another person has to be talked about before you do it and both of you have to agree
Silence or incapacitation (such as from drinking) is not consent

For more information on pornography, sexuality, and staying safe, see:

Online Porn (webpage) - Provides information about porn, including what it is, sharing porn, staying safe online, masturbating, and revenge porn
Porn: What Good Science Says (webpage) - Describes the impact of porn and addresses healthy sexuality, porn fantasties, and concerns about porn use

1. Sabina, C., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 11(6), 691-693.
2. Hald, G. M., Malamuth, N. M., & Yuen, C. (2010). Pornography and attitudes supporting violence against women: Revisiting the relationship in nonexperimental studies. Aggressive Behavior: Official Journal of the International Society for Research on Aggression, 36(1), 14-20.
3. Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). Predicting bystander efficacy and willingness to intervene in college men and women: The role of exposure to varying levels of violence in pornography. Violence against women, 23(6), 692-706.
4. Ybarra, M. L., Mitchell, K. J., Hamburger, M., Diener‐West, M., & Leaf, P. J. (2011). X‐rated material and perpetration of sexually aggressive behavior among children and adolescents: Is there a link?. Aggressive Behavior, 37(1), 1-18.
5. Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183-205.
6. Ferguson, C. J., & Hartley, R. D. (2020). Pornography and sexual aggression: can meta-analysis find a link?. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 1524838020942754.