The Joshua Center is devoted to preventing the sexual abuse of youth. To us a vital prevention effort is to help youth who are in a sexually abusive relationship get out and thereby prevent further abuse.
Sexual abuse of youth is a complex relationship to understand and to write about. We hope the following will address at least some of your thoughts and feelings.
For immediate help, including online resources and abuse hotlines, see How can I get out of an abusive relationship?
What makes a relationship sexually abusive?
A relationship where you have been or are being forced, manipulated, coerced, or threatened either to start a sexual relationship or stay involved with the other person is a sexually abusive relationship.
An abusive relationship may involve force, manipulation, coercion, or threats.
This relationship can be with a same age peer or with a person older than you. Sexual relationships with older people like teachers, coaches, pastors, or priests are illegal and can become abusive no matter how you thought about them in the beginning.
What are my relationship rights?
You deserve to be and feel safe, and you have the right to:
- control your own body,
- choose what relationships you wish to be in,
- and most importantly to change your mind about any relationship.
You have the right to change your mind about any relationship.
How can I identify a sexually abusive relationship?
Some relationships are sexually abusive from the very beginning and involve force, manipulation, or being tricked into different behaviors or beliefs (for example by being given drugs or alcohol). Many relationships where sexual abuse happens start out seeming okay or even like something you want to be involved in. Depending on the age and type of relationship you have with someone, the process by which the relationship becomes sexually abusive may vary. This process involves another person getting close to you and using that trust to break down boundaries and maintain control and secrecy.
Identifying an abusive relationship with an adult
Grooming is a term which refers to the process whereby an older person identifies, finds out what is important to a young person, provides what is important, and gradually turns the relationship into a sexual one. It can be very difficult to tell the difference between an older person who really cares about you and wants to be a mentor or supporter and an older person who wants to be sexual with you. Every human has needs to feel special and appreciated. Because the person who is abusing you often is fulfilling your emotional and physical needs, and is usually someone you know and trust, the fact that the relationship has become abusive can leave you feeling betrayed and violated.
If you find yourself in a situation where your basic human needs have been used against you and an older person is using you for sex, you need to understand that your needs were and are completely legitimate and appropriate. The problem of abuse is that they were used against you to become a sexual partner with an older person.
Identifying an abusive relationship with a peer
Relationships with a peer or peers slightly older than you can start out fine. Perhaps someone who has been a friend for years wants to change the nature of the relationship. Or maybe someone you just met wants to have a relationship. The person may act sensitive and caring. The person might spend hours talking with you about your concerns, do fun things with you, and make you feel special and important. They may tell you how much they like you, how special you are and might even tell you that no one understands you like they do. The person may show physical affection by hugging or holding hands and may increase the sexual nature of the touch. The relationship may be exciting and you may feel special.
These behaviors and your feelings may be part of good, appropriate, and meaningful youth relationships. However, at times these behaviors are used by someone who wants more than you are willing or want to give in a relationship. A relationship that started out feeling good, mutual, or enjoyable may change slowly or quickly to one that is abusive. It does not matter what you felt or wanted or were willing to do in the beginning of a relationship, you can always change your mind. If the person says, “you owe me,” or “I am going to tell people what you did,” or “No one is going to believe you,” these are lies.
You never owe anyone something you do not want to do.
There are people who will believe you and help you get out of a bad situation. It is your life and you can take control of it.
Signs that a peer or dating partner has become abusive toward you may include:
- the other person becomes controlling or demanding,
- the person asks or insists you do more than you feel comfortable doing,
- you get a sense that what is important is what is important to the other person, not to you,
- the other person asks or forces you to do things that you have to keep secret from your friends or family,
- or your feelings about the other person have changed or are changing and you do not know how to get out of the relationship.
For more information about sexual abuse and how to identify it, see What is sexual abuse?
Why is it difficult to get out of an abusive relationship?
During the grooming process it is natural to feel appreciated, valued, admired, and even love for the other person. When these natural feelings are betrayed it is common to feel stupid for believing what is now obviously a lie.
It is natural to feel trapped and unable to escape the relationship.
It is important to remember that grooming by definition involves manipulation and control. No aspect of being groomed is your fault and being groomed is not something you are responsible for or caused.
If the person abusing you is older, they may have told you that no one would believe you, or that you would be blamed for the relationship or that you both would get in trouble. Sometimes the older person will have made threats of harm to you or your family. You may be concerned about what other people will think. Being sexual, especially when you are a young person, can involve a lot of complex feelings.
You may be in a situation where you actually like or even feel you love and care about the older person who is being sexual with you. Sex can feel good but at times it can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, and more than you are ready to have part of your life. It is quite common for young persons to have conflicting feelings about the other person and the sexual abuse.
Aspects of an abusive relationship that can make getting out of it difficult and emotionally very stressful include:
- the ongoing nature of the sexual abuse,
- having to keep it a secret,
- being unable to stop it or escape from it,
- having conflicting feelings about the other person,
- being unable to share what is happening, or
- not being able to talk to family or friends about getting out.
How can I get out of an abusive relationship?
The information on this webpage is designed to give you as much information as we can about the sexual abuse of youth. If you’re in a relationship you’re concerned about, see How can I get out of sexual abuse?
There are several confidential resource hotlines you can contact if you have been or are being abused. These include telephone hotlines, email hotlines, and online chats:
- The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
- 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
- Open 24/7
- Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
- 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)
- Open 24/7
- Online chat
- Stop It Now!
- 1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368)
- Open Monday-Friday, 12pm-6pm (Eastern Standard Time)
- Email hotline
When you are ready we believe you have power you may not realize to ask for help, stop the abuse, and get out of the abusive relationship.